It's been more than three years since I made that last post. Nothing would make me happier than to sit here and tell you how much weight I've lost, how I feel so healthy, so good about myself now or what my life is like at a normal weight living a normal life.
But I can't.
When I weighed yesterday, I weighted 326.?. I've been off of Sparkpeople.com for a very long time. I honestly can't even tell you why. I went through some very bad times for a while at work. Things were very difficult. But that would just be an excuse like anything else I'd write here. I did really well for a while. I think I had ended up losing close to fifty pounds when somehow, for whatever reason, I drifted away from Sparkpeople.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia which has REALLY slowed me down. So that's one more thing I'll have to hurdle over to get to my goal. But, I'm willing to try it one more time. I can't continue to live this way. It's not living. It's barely existing. I have no respect from anyone. I can't stand to look myself in the mirror.
So, tomorrow, even though I'm not really prepared for it, I'm going back to Sparkpeople.com and watching what I eat. I'll weigh myself tomorrow first thing so I can get an accurate starting weight. My ultimate goal is to eventually lose 200#. One of my New Year's resolutions was to lose 15# per month. Hopefully using that website and this blog for accountability, I can make it work this time. I deserve to be able to live a decent life.
Ok... so until tomorrow cross your fingers for me. {then start praying like hell for me, lol}
Monday, January 21, 2013
Saturday, August 15, 2009
In the beginning......
All of my childhood was spent as a skinny little kid. So skinny, in fact, that my doctor and my parents were always trying to fatten me up. The doctor told my mom that if I didn't gain weight, I would always be ill. So, she pushed Nutriment on me constantly in an effort to make me healthy and fit.
Apparently the Nutriment had a delayed reaction. When I hit puberty I began to fill out. I still wasn't heavy until after I married the second time, when I was 21. I was beginning to gain weight just before our wedding. And it never stopped. I had one child. But I can't really blame the weight gain on him. I was so sick the first trimester that I'd only regained what I lost by the time I had him. I wore my street clothes home from the hospital.
Everyone told me that you don't have to watch your calories if you're breastfeeding. I'm here to tell you that is NOT true. I began to gain right after Jordan was born and it's been a non-stop frenzy ever since.
I have no excuses for why I'm overweight. It's been a combination of depression, low self esteem, overeating to comfort myself and lack of exercise because for many years, I just didn't care.
Over the years, I've tried about every weight loss gimmick on the market, diet pills after diet pills, the powders, the diet drinks, every fad diet known, weight watchers, and more. [Not to run down weight watchers, for some it really does work. I've seen that first hand. It just didn't work for me.]
A few years ago, my friend [and several co-workers] were all going in for the gastric bypass. I was reluctant to join that bandwagon because of two things. One, I felt like I was an intelligent woman, I knew I just had to eat less and exercise more. I shouldn't have to resort to such drastic measures. It felt like a cop out. [again, there is no insult intended for those who have used this method, it was just my feelings at the time.]. Two, I had done the research, heard the stories and knew first hand a couple of people who had died as a result of that procedure. I didn't feel like being thin was worth dying for. At least I didn't at that time.
While everyone else had their surgery [and a few are thinner for it, though not all], I still continued to gain. All the common sense in the world wasn't helping me.
Finally as a last resort, I decided to go for the gastric bypass surgery. I had found a group who did the surgery that I felt completely confident in . Two years ago last January, my New Year's Resolution was to get things done.. put into place to have the surgery. That January, I made arrangements to be at the seminar they require you attend before anything else. They answered all my questions, made me feel comfortable w/their system of medical management and gave me all the information I would need to make an informed decision. I was sold. I immediately filled out the paperwork and turned everything in. I had arrived at a point where I felt being thin was indeed something worth the risk of dying. I felt like I wasn't really living as a fat person, why not take the chance. I was so excited. I was finally going to be thin... as least a healthy weight. I was ready to take on anything. This blog was actually put into place at that time. Hence the name. I intended to chronicle my entire gastric bypass experience. If I lost weight, then wonderful!!! I would still have the journal and perhaps it would be useful. If not, I intended for it to be published as a voice for those who are willing to take such risks just to fit society's view of beautiful.
However, the gastric bypass surgery was not to be. After mustering all my enthusiasm, and getting myself set to go through w/the surgery, I was told my insurance would NOT pay for it. Not even if my doctor stated it was for medical reasons. [which it was, and which he tried, but they denied it anyway.] It was my understanding at that time, that people who are on Medicaid were allowed to have this surgery in most states. I'd even heard of a few cases where someone would move to an adjoining state and get Medicaid in order to have this surgery. I don't mean to be rude or insensitive to those in need. But all I could think was here I am, working, paying for my insurance, have my physician's full backing / support, and I'm turned down for this surgery because my insurance made it a "rider" and it's not covered. Yet, there are people who aren't paying for their insurance, most not working a bit, in fact, I'M paying for their insurance too... and on my dime, no less, they are allowed to have this surgery!! What is up w/that!!?!!
Every effort was made, but nothing was budging the minds of the insurance company. For the next year or so, I muddled along, still not making any progress. In fact, I managed to gain another twenty five pounds on top of the nearly three hundred I was already carrying. I had gotten to the point, that I felt I was going to have to quit work soon. It was absolutely killing me. I have a job that, at times, is extremely physically demanding. And it's the type of job that there is no redo, no "give me just a minute, let me catch my breath". I really didn't know where to turn. It seemed hopeless. I felt like I was going to always be fat. I was honestly afraid that I would continue to gain non-stop until I died of obesity. I was frightened.
Then someone pointed out a website. It's called SparkPeople.com. [It's a FREE site] It's really a very simple concept. It's the common sense approach I had in mind when I first passed on the gastric bypass surgery. But it has made a world of difference for me. It has a place where you can put what you've eaten for the day in. It calculates the calories, fat grams, etc. for you. You don't have to do that. You don't have to figure up or count points. [which was always my downfall w/Weight Watchers, no time or patience for calculating points.] Just seeing what you're eating each day makes it easier to stay w/in the confines of your calorie count.
I know. It seems too easy, too mundane to work. But it does. In five weeks, I've lost twenty five pounds. I'm just over three hundred now. I'm not all skinny or anything. Not by a long shot. And I'm not saying it's easy to turn down the things that don't fit into my calorie count. But it's a start. For the first time in MANY years, I see myself going down in the numbers on the scale instead of up. And I'll take that.
I have been excited about the change. As I said, I know it's still a long way from being where I want / need to be. But, as long as I'm making progress in that direction, I'm satisfied. There are days when I can imagine being a normal weight now. I've never had that feeling before. I've never saw that as a real possibility. But I do now. True, there are still days when I feel like I'll always look this way. Especially when I look into a mirror and I don't really see too much change yet. Someone asked me if I could tell I'd lost the weight. [yes, my clothes do feel a bit looser, I can breathe in them again]... but what I told her was..."that's like me asking you if you could tell that I poured a cup of water into a 55-gal drum of water. No, you can't really tell." Granted you can't look at me and see any difference. At least I can't really. That's when I become frustrated and depressed. When I know I have lost what would be a significant amount of weight for most people, and it doesn't even show at all on me. I still see my double chin[s], my fat belly, thunder thighs, etc. I'm trying to avoid mirrors. [Well I always did, but moreso now] because it causes me to become depressed and want to give up, to eat some comfort food. I know I can't do that anymore. It's hard to walk away. But I have no choice anymore if I want to be anything close to healthy.
I have told everyone I know about the website. As I said, it's a very simple tool. But in my case it's an effective one. I know there are other similiar sites out there, from what people have told me. But this one is FREE!!! And for me it works wonders! If you think it's something you might find helpful, then by all means, I suggest you take a look at it.
Maybe I was just at a point where I was ready to lose, I don't know. They say a person has to be ready to quit before they can quit smoking. I suppose it could be the same for losing weight, I don't know. But I know that I'm making a little progress now and that's all I care about. Now and then I can imagine what it will be like when I'm a normal weight. I can picture myself doing 'normal people' things.
Ok.. I've rambled enough for today.... time to get busy getting some things done. As I said, I highly recommend the SparkPeople.com site for anyone wanting to get healthier, not just to lose weight, but other goals as well. It's a fun site.
G'luck
Apparently the Nutriment had a delayed reaction. When I hit puberty I began to fill out. I still wasn't heavy until after I married the second time, when I was 21. I was beginning to gain weight just before our wedding. And it never stopped. I had one child. But I can't really blame the weight gain on him. I was so sick the first trimester that I'd only regained what I lost by the time I had him. I wore my street clothes home from the hospital.
Everyone told me that you don't have to watch your calories if you're breastfeeding. I'm here to tell you that is NOT true. I began to gain right after Jordan was born and it's been a non-stop frenzy ever since.
I have no excuses for why I'm overweight. It's been a combination of depression, low self esteem, overeating to comfort myself and lack of exercise because for many years, I just didn't care.
Over the years, I've tried about every weight loss gimmick on the market, diet pills after diet pills, the powders, the diet drinks, every fad diet known, weight watchers, and more. [Not to run down weight watchers, for some it really does work. I've seen that first hand. It just didn't work for me.]
A few years ago, my friend [and several co-workers] were all going in for the gastric bypass. I was reluctant to join that bandwagon because of two things. One, I felt like I was an intelligent woman, I knew I just had to eat less and exercise more. I shouldn't have to resort to such drastic measures. It felt like a cop out. [again, there is no insult intended for those who have used this method, it was just my feelings at the time.]. Two, I had done the research, heard the stories and knew first hand a couple of people who had died as a result of that procedure. I didn't feel like being thin was worth dying for. At least I didn't at that time.
While everyone else had their surgery [and a few are thinner for it, though not all], I still continued to gain. All the common sense in the world wasn't helping me.
Finally as a last resort, I decided to go for the gastric bypass surgery. I had found a group who did the surgery that I felt completely confident in . Two years ago last January, my New Year's Resolution was to get things done.. put into place to have the surgery. That January, I made arrangements to be at the seminar they require you attend before anything else. They answered all my questions, made me feel comfortable w/their system of medical management and gave me all the information I would need to make an informed decision. I was sold. I immediately filled out the paperwork and turned everything in. I had arrived at a point where I felt being thin was indeed something worth the risk of dying. I felt like I wasn't really living as a fat person, why not take the chance. I was so excited. I was finally going to be thin... as least a healthy weight. I was ready to take on anything. This blog was actually put into place at that time. Hence the name. I intended to chronicle my entire gastric bypass experience. If I lost weight, then wonderful!!! I would still have the journal and perhaps it would be useful. If not, I intended for it to be published as a voice for those who are willing to take such risks just to fit society's view of beautiful.
However, the gastric bypass surgery was not to be. After mustering all my enthusiasm, and getting myself set to go through w/the surgery, I was told my insurance would NOT pay for it. Not even if my doctor stated it was for medical reasons. [which it was, and which he tried, but they denied it anyway.] It was my understanding at that time, that people who are on Medicaid were allowed to have this surgery in most states. I'd even heard of a few cases where someone would move to an adjoining state and get Medicaid in order to have this surgery. I don't mean to be rude or insensitive to those in need. But all I could think was here I am, working, paying for my insurance, have my physician's full backing / support, and I'm turned down for this surgery because my insurance made it a "rider" and it's not covered. Yet, there are people who aren't paying for their insurance, most not working a bit, in fact, I'M paying for their insurance too... and on my dime, no less, they are allowed to have this surgery!! What is up w/that!!?!!
Every effort was made, but nothing was budging the minds of the insurance company. For the next year or so, I muddled along, still not making any progress. In fact, I managed to gain another twenty five pounds on top of the nearly three hundred I was already carrying. I had gotten to the point, that I felt I was going to have to quit work soon. It was absolutely killing me. I have a job that, at times, is extremely physically demanding. And it's the type of job that there is no redo, no "give me just a minute, let me catch my breath". I really didn't know where to turn. It seemed hopeless. I felt like I was going to always be fat. I was honestly afraid that I would continue to gain non-stop until I died of obesity. I was frightened.
Then someone pointed out a website. It's called SparkPeople.com. [It's a FREE site] It's really a very simple concept. It's the common sense approach I had in mind when I first passed on the gastric bypass surgery. But it has made a world of difference for me. It has a place where you can put what you've eaten for the day in. It calculates the calories, fat grams, etc. for you. You don't have to do that. You don't have to figure up or count points. [which was always my downfall w/Weight Watchers, no time or patience for calculating points.] Just seeing what you're eating each day makes it easier to stay w/in the confines of your calorie count.
I know. It seems too easy, too mundane to work. But it does. In five weeks, I've lost twenty five pounds. I'm just over three hundred now. I'm not all skinny or anything. Not by a long shot. And I'm not saying it's easy to turn down the things that don't fit into my calorie count. But it's a start. For the first time in MANY years, I see myself going down in the numbers on the scale instead of up. And I'll take that.
I have been excited about the change. As I said, I know it's still a long way from being where I want / need to be. But, as long as I'm making progress in that direction, I'm satisfied. There are days when I can imagine being a normal weight now. I've never had that feeling before. I've never saw that as a real possibility. But I do now. True, there are still days when I feel like I'll always look this way. Especially when I look into a mirror and I don't really see too much change yet. Someone asked me if I could tell I'd lost the weight. [yes, my clothes do feel a bit looser, I can breathe in them again]... but what I told her was..."that's like me asking you if you could tell that I poured a cup of water into a 55-gal drum of water. No, you can't really tell." Granted you can't look at me and see any difference. At least I can't really. That's when I become frustrated and depressed. When I know I have lost what would be a significant amount of weight for most people, and it doesn't even show at all on me. I still see my double chin[s], my fat belly, thunder thighs, etc. I'm trying to avoid mirrors. [Well I always did, but moreso now] because it causes me to become depressed and want to give up, to eat some comfort food. I know I can't do that anymore. It's hard to walk away. But I have no choice anymore if I want to be anything close to healthy.
I have told everyone I know about the website. As I said, it's a very simple tool. But in my case it's an effective one. I know there are other similiar sites out there, from what people have told me. But this one is FREE!!! And for me it works wonders! If you think it's something you might find helpful, then by all means, I suggest you take a look at it.
Maybe I was just at a point where I was ready to lose, I don't know. They say a person has to be ready to quit before they can quit smoking. I suppose it could be the same for losing weight, I don't know. But I know that I'm making a little progress now and that's all I care about. Now and then I can imagine what it will be like when I'm a normal weight. I can picture myself doing 'normal people' things.
Ok.. I've rambled enough for today.... time to get busy getting some things done. As I said, I highly recommend the SparkPeople.com site for anyone wanting to get healthier, not just to lose weight, but other goals as well. It's a fun site.
G'luck
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)